So here it is, the thing I've always wanted to post up but never got the guts to, or never got the right words or right time or right reasons, for that matter, to do so. And here it is. Neither it is the right time to talk about it, nor do I have all the rights words compiled here on my fingertips as I type but thanks to House, I'm actually posting this.
I was just done watching Season 7 of House and I have gathered so much lessons from Season 1 till now, though this season seemed to touch me in the most unusual yet powerful way. Seeing how House and I have so much in common in terms of how we handle pain and how we display ourselves without the overwhelming emotions and the stone-hearted person that we've become in dealing with certain, or maybe most issues, I feel his pain, I know what it feels like to trying so hard to do what you do and having people around you that you wish most to understand what you're going through but they actually don't. You want to say that you're in pain but at the same time, you know they won't understand and when you actually do, all they tell you is to suck it up! And when no one could find you a cure to your pain, you try so desperately to find your own ways to deal with the pain and yet, you still get the same or worse judgements from all around you but never some support. But here's my tale, or perhaps, a gist of it.
It begins with a word, starts with an S, and is never-ending. Scoliosis. A cool word, initially, when I first heard it, when I was first diagnosed with it. It's amazing how such a simple word could actually be so life-changing. And yes, it wasn't really that fun when it bit you in the ass. Scoliosis is a condition where there is a curve in your spine, if the curve exceeds 45 degrees, there's little that you can do. However, nowadays, a lot of alternative treatments have emerged and many have found these methods pretty helpful. Unfortunately, back during my days, or should I say, my early days with Scoliosis, we had very little info and although we asked for a dozen of second opinions from doctors and specialists, they all suggested that I should go for surgery as my curve was a severe one. As parents, my mom and dad decided that I should do it as soon as the doctors mentioned the risk of paralysis if I choose not to do the surgery. And so, there I went, at the age of 13, my first major surgery. As the matter of fact, my first surgery ever. Getting titanium rods and screws infused into my spine. Little did we know that the decision made in order to save me turned out to be the turning point in my life, the beginning of the never-ending torture. However, it isn't anybody's fault. Things just had to happen the way they did, I guess.
I never felt any pain before the surgery. In fact, I didn't even feel anything strange about my body until my dad saw my back and how there was a hump on one side. Sure it was cool, getting your spine straightened and gaining a few inches in height at first, but as days go by, I started feeling the progressive pain, mild at first, then it became a little more than usual everyday. That's when painkillers started to become a good friend of mine. I went from not taking them, to taking them, and to taking them everyday after every meal, and eventually to taking them more than I should. I've gone through some difficult overdose episodes, however, it was easier and so much more bearable than the pain in my back. Over time, I learnt to choose the nausea and drowsiness from the overdose of painkillers over going through the real pain from my spine. This is something I remember telling only one person and nobody else. It isn't something I am proud of doing or telling people about, but perhaps it's something I should share so that you won't do the same mistakes, or probably not so much a 'mistake', maybe more like the wrong thing to do. And yes, I tell you now, it isn't the right thing to do.
Even though we discovered a few alternative treatments later on, none of them really helped, and as our financial issues started arising, I decided there's no use in all that anymore as they never really worked anyway so why keep pouring money on something that does nothing? Unfortunately, I started to become tolerant to the painkillers, which means I now have to take more of them to feel the painkillers' effect and it's slowly killing me inside. Not literally, but I remember how zombie-ish I was as I got more dependent on those drugs, I had no appetite most of the time, I was losing weight, lying on my bed, I was unable to have a meaningful conversation with anyone. But frankly though, it does make me less conscious about my pain and it was still good for me because the pain from my back hurt so much more and you have no idea. You can start judging me here, I mean, I'm pretty sure I would too if I hadn't gone through it all by myself but you really have no idea how much pain I was going through. So usually after school I would just lie down and give myself some time before my mind could start working again so that I could start studying. Not long after that I stopped taking the painkillers when I started coughing a little blood. I knew I had to stop but I never thought it would be that instant, but Praise be to Allah, I did.
But then I had to face the pain on my own, thus I was always very weak, everyday. However, I was less like a zombie and I could talk to people and smile no matter how painful it was, so it was probably a better choice. Most importantly, I learned to be strong, I learnt to face the problem instead of covering it up with a more bearable one, and keeping the real problem or pain submerged underneath the artificial cure. I learnt to stand up and fight for myself, not let things bring me down the way I've let my pain do and find alternative ways to run away from the pain instead.
Far and foremost, I learnt the fact that, at times, you're just on your own, especially when you're going through a tough time, you'll find no one at sight and that's when you're really put to the test. The test to, first, get your ass of the ground without a hand to reach for, second, the test to fight in the battle without your fellow soldiers to back you up, and lastly, the test to take them back into your arms, and into your life as they started emerging back one-by-one when the storm's passed. And that, by far, was the hardest one, the hardest lesson yet.
Scoliosis was bad. Of course not when you get to detect them at an early stage and go for early treatment. But for me, it was pretty tough but the tougher it gets, all the tougher it has made me. It made me realize that life IS actually real, and it isn't just going to be a bed of roses. But of course, I had to learn that the hard way.
A few years back, doctors have been telling me to go for another surgery to take out all of the metal in my spine, and that the risk of taking the surgery would be similar as the risk of keeping them, with just a difference in the period of time before the worse could happen. If the surgery goes wrong, which holds up a 50% chance it would or would not, the damage would take place immediately. And if I do not opt for the surgery, in the long run, the damage would still happen. Come hell or high water, it'll happen and I might have to face it someday therefore, I might as well choose TIME. Yes, I chose not to go for the surgery, and although the choice I made puts me in a great deal of pain, with every single waking moment, at least I get more time to prepare myself before something happens, and at least I get more time, another chance to appreciate the things around me, especially the littlest ones, and to cherish the people who loved me, and most of all, to value time and life altogether.
I'm still living with the pain, every single day, a different kind of pain every day, at few different spots each time. But I get to share the strength the pain has grown in me with the people who's going through the same difficulty but at different areas of their life and it is somewhat, a blessing. Having titanium in my body actually makes me feel rather bulletproof, although figuratively, when you have nothing left to say to comfort yourself, it actually works.
Praise be to Allah, this is probably a way for Him to erase my past mistakes,
and Praise be to Him, He still loves me.
Alhamdulillah.