Dreams?
In the name of Allah, the One who stands on His own.
So today was about me trying to figure out what my dream was when I was a little girl.
It's frustratingly annoying that I couldn't recall a single dream of mine as a child.
Was I that dull as a kid? My oh my.
So I tried to take a walk down memory lane for a bit.
The first thing I remember, the thing I remember most about myself is that my grandma spoiled me so much that it has become a part of who I am today.
I know that, because I can feel the difference when she's gone. Now I feel just, ordinary.
No fun.
You know?
I'm not saying I have had THE best childhood, but probably my grandma made it feel like it was.
And maybe because she made my world so perfect that I had nothing else to wish for, or to dream about, it felt like I had completely everything, except of course, a sister.
But it was different then.
You know, she never made me feel like I ever need a sister, or even a gazillion friends around me.
She was just, enough. Good enough.
I need to know this, maybe not that badly but I'm pretty sure my dream as a kid makes pretty much who I've grown up to be, it could probably just define who am I really.
Because as time goes by, I realize I've stacked up a lot of dreams along the way that when I start to look back to that big pile today, it makes me wonder what's at the bottom of it?
What was underneath all the other dreams that came along?
What was that first dream I had put right there under all that mess and if I have already fulfilled it?
Oh my gosh, I don't even know.
If I didn't even have a dream when I was little, how come I have so much now when I've grown up?
I always thought of how fortunate everybody else in my family is, my mom has my dad, my elder brothers have each other, my little brothers have one another, then I started asking myself, who do I have? I don't remember asking myself this when I was small because I know I don't have a sister, I don't have that many friends too, I am alone most of the time, at school, and at home. But I was never lonely. Never. Because I had my rock back then, my grandma, my closest friend, best friend. Somehow, with only Barbie dolls and Power Rangers to play with, she made my childhood like nothing else I would ever trade with. For some reason, it was just fine. Perfect, in fact. But that day when I saw my first rainbow, I think I was about six, I was just so fascinated that such thing exists that I spent my entire recess period sitting there by the small drain next to the parking lot just wondering what that actually really is, what is it made of, who made it, why is it there, why is it there then, and what is it there for. Well actually I was also waiting for the dragon to come out, you know, dragons usually come out from the end of the rainbow in the cartoons I used to watch. Perhaps, that was the very first time I learned that there is so much more to life than what I go through everyday, and I learned to believe beyond the things I see in books and cartoons.
I became so fond of the sky soon after that.
I believe in everything I ever imagined in my crazy little head that time, but I never knew I could actually dream of such things as well.
I mean, I don't even know what a dream is.
And now I do, but how was I supposed to know that it could turn out to hurt me?
I never had a dream when I was small, because I didn't know how huge it means then.
I never needed one.
Like money, it never meant anything to you, until you knew what they really are, what they can buy, and more surprisingly what they can buy these days.
When did I learn to dream?
For me, it's both easy and painful to say that, I first had a dream when I first took my parents' dream away. And it's absurd how I keep on destroying people's dreams along the way. For every dream I burned down, I light up another dream of my own. Sounds pretty evil huh?
Number one, I think my brother was right when he said I burned all the money they had. Because it all started when I fell ill and they had to spend so much on my medical bills when they could have used them for the business they just started, it was their dream, and if only I didn't stand in their way, they could have been living such a perfect life now. And now, their broken dream has become mine to chase. I want to return what I have taken away from them, and this is the dream I need to chase real bad. This isn't just a dream now anymore, it's their lives, the smile on my mom and dad's face. And this isn't just ONE dream anymore that I have destroyed, it's everybody else's all in one. If it wasn't because they had to save me, my little brothers wouldn't have to grow up hating how they had to live their lives, they didn't have to go through all that they have to go through now and now would have had such a wonderful life. If it wasn't because of me, my big brothers could have had their dream weddings, they would have been very successful in whatever they do now, and living a great, happy life. And my parents wouldn't have to work this hard. Sounds evil? I am evil.
I know everything happens for a reason, and it all happens with God's will.
But I do feel responsible for all that has happened, because it was just so chronological.
Maybe it is not that easy to just give them their lives back, who am I anyway?
But perhaps, if I could just at least put that smile on their face again, it would worth my entire life.
And him?
Well I have been standing in his way for too long, weighing him down everytime he flips his wings and wanted to fly. I know he wants me there, but he doesn't need me, and we both know that. Now that he's ready to fly again, I don't want to get in his way anymore, it's just unfair. He doesn't have to go through what I'm going through just because he wants to be there for me, and he doesn't have to go through what others have gone through just to save me. He deserves a great life, with or without me. But, nevertheless, he'll be the dream I will be keeping, always. Always.
I know my dream isn't as big as wanting to fight for world peace,
but it means the world to me because it isn't about me, but the people I love with every breath I take.
And if I can't save my family's own happiness, how do I even dream of saving the entire world?
As for myself, I have a dream for myself too, but this one, I rest it in God's hands.
He'll know if I deserve it.
I don't have to say it, you might figure it out someday.
Dream. Even the most absurd ones.
Whether as high as the sky or as magical as the rainbow, dream, just because you can.
In the name of Allah, the One who stands on His own.
So today was about me trying to figure out what my dream was when I was a little girl.
It's frustratingly annoying that I couldn't recall a single dream of mine as a child.
Was I that dull as a kid? My oh my.
So I tried to take a walk down memory lane for a bit.
The first thing I remember, the thing I remember most about myself is that my grandma spoiled me so much that it has become a part of who I am today.
I know that, because I can feel the difference when she's gone. Now I feel just, ordinary.
No fun.
You know?
I'm not saying I have had THE best childhood, but probably my grandma made it feel like it was.
And maybe because she made my world so perfect that I had nothing else to wish for, or to dream about, it felt like I had completely everything, except of course, a sister.
But it was different then.
You know, she never made me feel like I ever need a sister, or even a gazillion friends around me.
She was just, enough. Good enough.
I need to know this, maybe not that badly but I'm pretty sure my dream as a kid makes pretty much who I've grown up to be, it could probably just define who am I really.
Because as time goes by, I realize I've stacked up a lot of dreams along the way that when I start to look back to that big pile today, it makes me wonder what's at the bottom of it?
What was underneath all the other dreams that came along?
What was that first dream I had put right there under all that mess and if I have already fulfilled it?
Oh my gosh, I don't even know.
If I didn't even have a dream when I was little, how come I have so much now when I've grown up?
I always thought of how fortunate everybody else in my family is, my mom has my dad, my elder brothers have each other, my little brothers have one another, then I started asking myself, who do I have? I don't remember asking myself this when I was small because I know I don't have a sister, I don't have that many friends too, I am alone most of the time, at school, and at home. But I was never lonely. Never. Because I had my rock back then, my grandma, my closest friend, best friend. Somehow, with only Barbie dolls and Power Rangers to play with, she made my childhood like nothing else I would ever trade with. For some reason, it was just fine. Perfect, in fact. But that day when I saw my first rainbow, I think I was about six, I was just so fascinated that such thing exists that I spent my entire recess period sitting there by the small drain next to the parking lot just wondering what that actually really is, what is it made of, who made it, why is it there, why is it there then, and what is it there for. Well actually I was also waiting for the dragon to come out, you know, dragons usually come out from the end of the rainbow in the cartoons I used to watch. Perhaps, that was the very first time I learned that there is so much more to life than what I go through everyday, and I learned to believe beyond the things I see in books and cartoons.
I became so fond of the sky soon after that.
I believe in everything I ever imagined in my crazy little head that time, but I never knew I could actually dream of such things as well.
I mean, I don't even know what a dream is.
And now I do, but how was I supposed to know that it could turn out to hurt me?
I never had a dream when I was small, because I didn't know how huge it means then.
I never needed one.
Like money, it never meant anything to you, until you knew what they really are, what they can buy, and more surprisingly what they can buy these days.
When did I learn to dream?
For me, it's both easy and painful to say that, I first had a dream when I first took my parents' dream away. And it's absurd how I keep on destroying people's dreams along the way. For every dream I burned down, I light up another dream of my own. Sounds pretty evil huh?
Number one, I think my brother was right when he said I burned all the money they had. Because it all started when I fell ill and they had to spend so much on my medical bills when they could have used them for the business they just started, it was their dream, and if only I didn't stand in their way, they could have been living such a perfect life now. And now, their broken dream has become mine to chase. I want to return what I have taken away from them, and this is the dream I need to chase real bad. This isn't just a dream now anymore, it's their lives, the smile on my mom and dad's face. And this isn't just ONE dream anymore that I have destroyed, it's everybody else's all in one. If it wasn't because they had to save me, my little brothers wouldn't have to grow up hating how they had to live their lives, they didn't have to go through all that they have to go through now and now would have had such a wonderful life. If it wasn't because of me, my big brothers could have had their dream weddings, they would have been very successful in whatever they do now, and living a great, happy life. And my parents wouldn't have to work this hard. Sounds evil? I am evil.
I know everything happens for a reason, and it all happens with God's will.
But I do feel responsible for all that has happened, because it was just so chronological.
Maybe it is not that easy to just give them their lives back, who am I anyway?
But perhaps, if I could just at least put that smile on their face again, it would worth my entire life.
And him?
Well I have been standing in his way for too long, weighing him down everytime he flips his wings and wanted to fly. I know he wants me there, but he doesn't need me, and we both know that. Now that he's ready to fly again, I don't want to get in his way anymore, it's just unfair. He doesn't have to go through what I'm going through just because he wants to be there for me, and he doesn't have to go through what others have gone through just to save me. He deserves a great life, with or without me. But, nevertheless, he'll be the dream I will be keeping, always. Always.
I know my dream isn't as big as wanting to fight for world peace,
but it means the world to me because it isn't about me, but the people I love with every breath I take.
And if I can't save my family's own happiness, how do I even dream of saving the entire world?
As for myself, I have a dream for myself too, but this one, I rest it in God's hands.
He'll know if I deserve it.
I don't have to say it, you might figure it out someday.
Dream. Even the most absurd ones.
Whether as high as the sky or as magical as the rainbow, dream, just because you can.
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