In the name of Allah, the one who has always listened.
I think I just lost my bestfriend(s). Maybe I was the one who let them slip away. If anything I did have caused things to be the way they are now, I'm truly sorry, I'm only human like Jon McLaughlin sang, and I have tried my best, unfortunately for me, everything was just not good enough, but fortunately for them, they're finally free. I'm not apologizing with an intention to get them back, but my apology is just to make things clear here so it comes with an explanation, whether they read this post or not, that's entirely out of my willpower, but for the least, and God knows I'm not that courageous to say things through other means, I'll say it here. I spent too long to find a way to straighten things out, but like I said, it took me too long and I still haven't found the right words, the right explanation. So I decided, I'll just say what I have in mind, and heart.
Dear friend(s),
If you thought that I thought you were neglecting me, not a single idea. I know we are all too busy lately, with all the work and assignments and blablabla. I understand. And I know that no matter how busy I have been, I have never been too busy for my friends, my family, and the people I love, because, that's what I learnt after spending about 18years here on Earth, we always have time for the people we love. I don't know if you learned it differently so, I'm sorry. But I'm not saying that you have had no time at all for me, don't simply get me wrong. Maybe it's just me, but I kinda thought that we are just so far apart now, not far as in distance apart, but our hearts, our attachments, ugh, I don't have the right word for it. I know you've been there for me, before. You drove me everywhere, we shared everything, we fought, we laughed, it was the best part of my life. I knew I will never get to hold it for too long, because it was too good to be true, and I knew it, but you gave me hopes and promises, and made me believe that some things are too good to be true but they are real and they will stay. And I trusted every word, I gave my all in it, I gave my everything to it. But slowly, things change with time, things change with different situations, just like props changing with the acts. I saw it all right before me, but I really thought it was just my negative thoughts. Now I realized I was holding a handful of sand, how come I expected they won't slip though my fingers, I am a donkey indeed. But I saw you still smiling, laughing, I'm glad enough, so I back off slowly. Don't get me wrong. I know your friend kinda said that a true friend would understand even when, no, especially when no one else does, and I have done my best in that, I made sure I was always there whenever you needed me, I made sure, even during my hardest times, I would be there when you call, and one of your friends also said that true friends will forgive even the unforgivable, and yes, I have done my best in that too, at least, I know I've done to the max. Maybe it's true when people say, we forgive others simply because we still want them in our life. Maybe, just maybe, that's indeed my case. I wish that's my case. But you see, you know, I see, and I know too, that it wasn't that way at all. Why? Because if it is true, I would still have you now. Forgiving doesn't really have to be spelled out, doesn't really have to be said out loud, and that's another thing I've learnt through the years, and again, I'm sorry if you didn't learn the same thing. If you thought I had refused to forgive or apologize, maybe you just don't know me good enough yet. I have apologized, not because I know I have been wrong all along, but because I know I'm just human and I can never be good enough for anyone at all, and I forgive, and always will, not because I think I'm good, I'm right, I'm being true, but just because I know you are only human too, and I'm not God, I know we all make mistakes whether it's a mistake to you or only to my perception, it's still a mistake, but I know you are trying all you can to bring out the best in yourself, and if you make mistakes, they make you learn more, and teach me even more. In the run, we all learn to grow up, and be better. I have never missed anyone so much, as much as I have been missing you. Because you made me believe so many things, even the things I never had, and the things I thought never existed - you made me believe there is such thing as miracles, you made me believe in something I've given up on, called friendship, you made me believe I have sisters, only that they weren't born in my family, you made me believe that I can talk out loud, be loud, be talkative, even if the things we talk about are just crap, you made me believe that cam-whoring is a total OKAY! even when everyone is watching, you made me believe that no matter how things turn out to be, no matter how hard things can get, no matter what, no matter where, no matter how, no matter when, I will always have a place where I can cry and not feel ashamed about it, I can talk and not feel stupid about it, I can laugh and not worry about anything, I can lean to when I need an escape, you made me believe that all of these were real, but slowly they all crash, one by one. I'm sorry if the way I said it sounds exaggerated, but as I said, it's only what I have in mind, and heart. Someone told me I'm a stupid freak for thinking of being faithful. Maybe she was right after all. But it's who I am, you know it, I just don't skip or jump around, blablabla. And even if I don't say things out loud, you should have known better, like you always have, you should have known better..and that part right there can only be figured out by you, because I really don't have any word in any dictionary of any languages that can explain that, because you should know better. I'm not going to say some things that you know I might say here now, because it'll make my effort in holding back these stupid tears in vain. You know, there's no need to tell anymore. I'll back off, I'm backing off slowly, but no worries, it's surely. I'll be gone before you know it. I will survive? No, I won't say that, because I know better too. I won't. But I'll keep on living, that's for sure, simply because I'm not God. I've been presented this life right in front of me, how can I be so ungrateful to be taking it for granted, and give up just like that. Oh yes I've given up long ago, but it doesn't mean He will end my life just like that. Be happy now, I pray for all the best for you.
with lots and lots of love,
sabrinrin/nyahh.
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