So this is it.
In the name of Allah, Most Merciful, the All-Knowing.
Happy Hijri New Year to all Muslims all over the world. Wow, alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah.
Time flies like it doesn't matter a tiny bit to anyone at all.
And while I'm very thankful of all the days, good and bad, He has given me since my very first breath, I am also, of course, pretty terrified with how far I've gone yet done so little.
Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.
After over twenty years now, I can't name you one thing, one MEANINGFUL thing I have actually done in my life. Maybe I was busy enjoying myself in Neverland, you know, the land where you'll never grow up/old, like Peter Pan.
Well yes, I sure did created my own Neverland in my head, I thought it would work. I mean, what's the big deal, it's just in my head anyway. And nope, of course I was wrong. I'm not sure if I took too long to realize that it just comes back at me to bite me in the ass. This isn't about not wanting to grow up, this sounds to me more like not wanting to live in reality, not wanting to take responsibilities, not wanting any conflicts, or anything that requires a little bit more of my brain and efforts, for that matter. How could I have been so selfish? When did I become THIS person?
I'm sorry. To everybody who had to deal with my lack of conscience, and especially those I have deeply offended due to this (if any). And I'm sorry for myself, too. I've locked myself away from all the great possibilities the world has to offer as well as all the potential in me by waiting on something I don't even know I deserve, by putting on my hopes on things that end up letting me down everytime instead of believing in myself, MYSELF; the first person I should believe in, the first, most important person I need to put my hopes on.
So this new year, I decided that this is it. It ends right here. Well, at least I need to end it right here. What scares me is my nature of, oh wait, lets not call it that. Maybe not nature, (I don't want it to be even a tiny little bit of my nature) maybe more like a habit. Yea. What scares me is my habit of going back to being that kinda person again, you know how we always say some things and end up not doing them or not doing it entirely? Yes. But I do need to change. Not change who I am, but the way I think about myself, the way I think about others. I need to trust myself more, not trust people on my very own life instead. This is my life, I make the rules, and I should be doing things MY way, not how others tell me to. I shouldn't have to be waiting on someone to put a smile on my face, it's my freaking face for god's sake, I shouldn't count on someone else to make me happy. It shouldn't even cross my mind that someone will actually help me reach for my dreams, it's MY dreams. Sure the sky is too high for you to reach for the stars, but what made me think that someone would take me in his/her rocket to grab a star of my own?
Twenty was a pretty scary age when I first had to not only face it, but accept it and SAY IT OUT or WRITE IT DOWN in papers and forms. But twenty-one is beyond all that. It's a cruel way of telling you, 'Grow up already'. I have to grow up and be someone. I'm feeling the pressure not merely because of what society usually expects from you, I mean, from us all, and not just because that's also my parents' expectations, but because the only way out of this is THAT. You know what I mean? I need to make something meaningful, I need to do something, so I can at least have something good to feel about myself. I don't necessarily have to do something great, like out of this world kinda great, I just want to do something great for myself, and for my parents to remember about me, for my brothers to be proud of, you know. Something that'll make them proudly say, 'Hey, that's my sister', and my parents can tell their friends about me and say 'She's our daughter'. Not so much of world recognition, just something these people will remember me by. You know? And if I don't stop wandering around here in Neverland, I will never get even a tiny pinch of that.
I need to quit. Quit waiting on people. Quit putting on hopes. And get back to reality. It's about time. I've disappointed too many, wasted too much time, flushed my own emotions, put myself aside like a piece of junk. Please, please pray for the best for me. I believe God knows what's best for me, so for starters, maybe, I'll accept the fact that what I've lost is lost and before everything else slips through my fingers as well, I better start getting my feet back on the ground.
Game on?
Insyaallah, God-willing.
In the name of Allah, Most Merciful, the All-Knowing.
Happy Hijri New Year to all Muslims all over the world. Wow, alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah.
Time flies like it doesn't matter a tiny bit to anyone at all.
And while I'm very thankful of all the days, good and bad, He has given me since my very first breath, I am also, of course, pretty terrified with how far I've gone yet done so little.
Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.
After over twenty years now, I can't name you one thing, one MEANINGFUL thing I have actually done in my life. Maybe I was busy enjoying myself in Neverland, you know, the land where you'll never grow up/old, like Peter Pan.
Well yes, I sure did created my own Neverland in my head, I thought it would work. I mean, what's the big deal, it's just in my head anyway. And nope, of course I was wrong. I'm not sure if I took too long to realize that it just comes back at me to bite me in the ass. This isn't about not wanting to grow up, this sounds to me more like not wanting to live in reality, not wanting to take responsibilities, not wanting any conflicts, or anything that requires a little bit more of my brain and efforts, for that matter. How could I have been so selfish? When did I become THIS person?
I'm sorry. To everybody who had to deal with my lack of conscience, and especially those I have deeply offended due to this (if any). And I'm sorry for myself, too. I've locked myself away from all the great possibilities the world has to offer as well as all the potential in me by waiting on something I don't even know I deserve, by putting on my hopes on things that end up letting me down everytime instead of believing in myself, MYSELF; the first person I should believe in, the first, most important person I need to put my hopes on.
So this new year, I decided that this is it. It ends right here. Well, at least I need to end it right here. What scares me is my nature of, oh wait, lets not call it that. Maybe not nature, (I don't want it to be even a tiny little bit of my nature) maybe more like a habit. Yea. What scares me is my habit of going back to being that kinda person again, you know how we always say some things and end up not doing them or not doing it entirely? Yes. But I do need to change. Not change who I am, but the way I think about myself, the way I think about others. I need to trust myself more, not trust people on my very own life instead. This is my life, I make the rules, and I should be doing things MY way, not how others tell me to. I shouldn't have to be waiting on someone to put a smile on my face, it's my freaking face for god's sake, I shouldn't count on someone else to make me happy. It shouldn't even cross my mind that someone will actually help me reach for my dreams, it's MY dreams. Sure the sky is too high for you to reach for the stars, but what made me think that someone would take me in his/her rocket to grab a star of my own?
Twenty was a pretty scary age when I first had to not only face it, but accept it and SAY IT OUT or WRITE IT DOWN in papers and forms. But twenty-one is beyond all that. It's a cruel way of telling you, 'Grow up already'. I have to grow up and be someone. I'm feeling the pressure not merely because of what society usually expects from you, I mean, from us all, and not just because that's also my parents' expectations, but because the only way out of this is THAT. You know what I mean? I need to make something meaningful, I need to do something, so I can at least have something good to feel about myself. I don't necessarily have to do something great, like out of this world kinda great, I just want to do something great for myself, and for my parents to remember about me, for my brothers to be proud of, you know. Something that'll make them proudly say, 'Hey, that's my sister', and my parents can tell their friends about me and say 'She's our daughter'. Not so much of world recognition, just something these people will remember me by. You know? And if I don't stop wandering around here in Neverland, I will never get even a tiny pinch of that.
I need to quit. Quit waiting on people. Quit putting on hopes. And get back to reality. It's about time. I've disappointed too many, wasted too much time, flushed my own emotions, put myself aside like a piece of junk. Please, please pray for the best for me. I believe God knows what's best for me, so for starters, maybe, I'll accept the fact that what I've lost is lost and before everything else slips through my fingers as well, I better start getting my feet back on the ground.
Game on?
Insyaallah, God-willing.
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