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In the name of Allah, the all-knowing..


So, hello people. I know I've been missing for quite some time and it's not the first time. My blog is turning more and more like myself, you know, SILENT. 


I'm sorry.


And yes, that is something I wish I can keep on saying to each and everyone around me, from the bottom of my heart for all that I am, for all that I have caused since the day I existed, for all that I have or have not done, said or have not said, for simply, everything; I'm sorry.
As if it'll make much of a difference at all.

Well, truth is, I've been keeping myself from writing, or rather, pouring my heart out everytime i touch my keyboard, because I was starting to hate the fact that I'm actually that vulnerable...and pathetic, that I can only speak my heart out in here and not to real people, who can listen.


Again, I'm sorry.

And after some time of hiding and running away and stuff, well, I found it so much easier and less painful to actually pathetically spill my heart out on my posts than waiting for some real human being who is concerned enough to actually really listen. Looks like I didn't know myself too well, but at least I've learnt from that, and I learned that I don't need to be listened to, because I know I suck at talking and hardly 1 out of 100 people would actually understand whatever I'm trying to talk about. That's me. You know what it feels like being this girl, it's like the times when you know what's in your mind and you try to explain it to your friends yet you can't find the right words or something to make them understand it the way you do? Yes, that's exactly how I feel, every single time, all these years of being alive. Everytime people make me explain what I'm going through, I'll pause halfway and end it right there with an 'I don't know'...well, it's easier. It's easier to realize that you don't know the right or effective way of explaining rather than actually knowing that no one can understand you. Yup, it's better, and like I said, less painful.

Lately, I've been wanting to ask someone, just anyone at all who has the answer, 

"What have I done wrong, where did I go wrong and was it too big a mistake?"

 Well, if I could ask God, (which I already did) and He'd give me an answer (which is highly unlikely), it would have been ideal. But I know and I always said that ideals rarely happen. True enough. I couldn't find anyone to ask this to but you know how God always has his way of doing things. I came across this tv show and then a book, and then all the little things that seemed like they're trying to talk to me through some weird, weird way yet when I put them all together, they actually start to make sense to me. I might not get a straight answer, but I got quite a gist of it and during the times when no one can give you any answer, that is MORE than enough, MORE than I could ask for. Mind me for saying this but all these years I've been playing the good girl. Well at least I try real hard to play that role, the good girl, the good sister, the good friend, the good daughter, the good student, I tried my level best to give everybody the best of me. Although I know I never really succeeded to play the good girl flawlessly, I believe I've done my best. So it was almost innate for me to expect people to be good to me in return even though I never really intentionally want anything in return, it's almost unconsciously. And so, I kept on getting hurt, not because people betrayed me but because, my expectations did. And as time  goes by, I found myself becoming so reliant on people; their empathy, their trust, and most of all, their love. I have made those things the things that make me happy. And when these people left, with all that they have, I stopped being happy too. Only then I learned that the only person left to love me is myself, the only person left who never have loved me, is myself, the only person who has always been there, who could have made me happy, then, was and is myself. I never loved me. I was so busy thinking and worrying about every single person I love that I forgot to love myself. If that's how easy it is for me to forget to love me, well, no wonder it was even easier for others too.

Two decades. Twenty years. I've laughed, I've cried, I've laughed till I cried, and I've cried till I started laughing again. I've had some really good times, some really bad ones. Joyful, hurtful. Twenty years. I was only walking in this body and living in this soul that I never loved. And now I'm asking myself, 'What did I do wrong, where did I go wrong and was it too big a mistake?' Are you kidding me? 

I know that I've taken the road less travelled, I didn't think it was going to be this hard even though I know it was not going to be too easy. I mean, we all hear people who does this all the time, you know, doing things that most people don't normally do. I chose my path, I decided that this is where I'm going and no matter what happens along the way, this is the life I have chosen. But I'm sure I don't want to make the same mistake again. I need to stop depending on people. But I need to be able to love myself first, which I'm gradually learning to do now, God-willing. I've known what it's like to be treated like a pingpong ball, to be hit back and forth over and over for somebody to be called a winner in the end and your entire life is just a 20-minute game to them. But it was my fault, but only now I realize that it was. I let them toss me around because I'd do anything even for that 20-minute of having them close to me...even if they're only, well, playing. Because I was too blind to see that I was that pathetic. 

I was asking the people around me about what they would think or feel if I ever fail in my life...has it never crossed my mind at all to ask myself what I FEEL? Does it not matter at all? Or does it not matter as much as how others would feel? 
Why did I treat myself this way...

Today, after all the hard lessons, my goal in life remains the same. Make them happy - the people I love, the people around me. And I? Well, I'm done with my worldly concerns. I've had enough of everything. My life has not been easy so I don't want to be going through all the same and worse later in the hereafter, so for me now, I just pray that I'll be placed far, far, faaaaaaar away from hell, if I don't deserve a place in heaven. I just want to be free. Free from the world that's playfully and annoyingly poking me with a needle every single second with every step I take, free from the hard lessons that I need to learn from only after I've fallen and smashed my face in the mud, free from the price I have to pay for every single thing I asked and never asked for, free from asking questions that no one can answer for me, free from forgetfulness, free from my silence and all the noise everything else is making, free from wondering about things that I never get to know of, free from my sins and mistakes, I just want to be free, and close to God, the all-Knowing. Because He'll have all the answers for me.

...and the only person who deserves a 'Sorry' from me now is actually, just, me.