turning over a new leaf much? much much :)

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious Most Merciful.


It's Dec the 30th. 2011 is coming to an end.


I have to post something right?

Hello :) You know, sometimes I think I have borderline personality disorder.
Less than 24hours ago I was so down, soooo down that my face is like on the freaking ground.
This morning I was not feeling so well and like always, I slept through it.
Prior to writing this, ohh no, prior to deciding to switching on my laptop when I promised myself I won't, at least not tonight, and prior to deciding to reactivate my facebook account, which I SWORE not to, at least not until next year (which is just freaking less than two days to go), and prior to deciding to post this entry, I asked myself, WHY SO DA SERIOUS LA SEYHH? WHY SO DA SAD? IS THAT ALL THAT I  AM AND ALL THAT ILL EVER BE?

I don't know how long this is going to last but I just don't want to always be that girl.
I don't want to drown myself in self-pity all the time.
I don't want to play the victim, I don't want to play the pathetically sick sad girl.
I mean, okay, so I'm not as healthy as everybody else, but isn't that good?
Isn't it good that no one else is suffering like that? Yes, it is.
And so what if I'm ridiculously always so complicatedly problematic? (wow that sounded exaggerated) 
Isn't it good that it all happens to you, and not someone else you care about?
Plus, I should be grateful instead, there are so many people out there who are facing far more difficult times, and they face it every freaking day of their lives and it's never-ending, yet they still look on life as if they can take them all down, as if their problems are just miniature toy soldiers they can just flick away just like that. Sometimes they barely have a glass of water to drink or a piece of bread to fill their tummy with, yet they keep walking like they own all the courage in the world.
And I got thrown down by just these problems that I'm having.
I bet if they knew me, they'll be rolling on the ground laughing at me because I let myself lose to such problems...it's nothing compared to theirs.
I'm grateful, I just hope Allah knows that. I always am very thankful.
I know everything was for my own good, nothing in His plans was meant to ruin me or take me down.
It was all for my own good.
There are so many things that I didn't get, but there are so much more that I got from Him.
So much. I got all the wonderful things I never ever dreamed of.
I got a wonderful family, annoying but wonderful brothers, loving parents nothing can replace, a perfect guy to share my life with, a bunch of great friends I would never trade for anything else, and having to be a girl strong enough to say 'I'm okay and everything is going to be alright' every single time, truth or lie, hard or easy, I'm brave, and it's because God's always there for me, all these wonderful people just make up my superpower. They are my superpower. Without them, I'm just nothing at all.

I keep telling myself to grow up already. I'm almost freaking twenty. Yet still living in those days when my grandma still had to watch after me. Maybe because I cherished that moment so much, maybe I wish she's just here. I remember myself wishing that she'll be there watching me get married to my prince charming. I was so happy that time, I remember I wrote that in my diary, I don't quite remember when was it but I was small and she's still around. I also remember that I was crying real bad holding on to that diary of mine, staring at that particular page where I wrote it, a little after she left. I just stared at it crying. I really thought she would never leave me. I have never thought there is even such a thing. But she left. She never told me to be strong, or whatsoever, because I was really happy, I never had any problems at all, I was the happiest girl alive, with her by my side. Now that I'm a mess, I never get to hear her say or tell me to be strong, or how strong I am already, or to just motivate and encourage me to keep going. But I realize she might not get to say it to me, but she had showed it to me, sooo long ago. She showed me how strong she was. How brave she was to keep going even when nothing seemed to be alright, and I was there, I just didn't realize, until today. She was the strongest, most courageous woman I've ever known, so is my mom, and I should be too.

I still wish she's here but I know she's even happier up there.

Life's tough, it can knock you down sometimes, and it will.
But you're tougher, you'll get back up, and keep going. Because we are strong.
Life's short, laugh while you still have time.
Cry if you have to, cry your heart out. But you know there will be tomorrow and you'll have to get your ass off that ground and get moving.
It's not going to end when you want it to, it's going to end when your time has come, and your job is to make sure you have no regrets when the time has come.
Sometimes we're so preoccupied with all the things that went wrong, all the things that might or are going to go wrong, all the things that can go wrong, we forgot if anything can even go right anymore.
I always thought I was a burden to everybody, maybe because everyone and everything makes me believe so. But now I just thought that maybe I'm not, maybe I was just different, sociologists might call me a deviant well so what? If Einstein wasn't different, you can never google him today...you won't even know there is such a name.

It's okay to be different, it's okay to be sad sometimes, it's okay to not be that fit and healthy, it's okay to cry, it's okay to fail sometimes, but just remember that it is also okay to smile, even when everything is going wrong, it's okay to laugh, it's okay to enjoy the day while you still can, and cry the next day whatsoever, it's okay, seize the moment, they say. So seize it alright. If you want to cry, cry all you want. And when you can laugh, laugh all you can. There will be tomorrow, but maybe, today is just it for you, or for me. I don't want to die with a frown on my face and tears in my eyes, that's for sure, because I don't want God to see me like that. Do you? I just want to be happy, come on, everybody says that. Yup, everybody says that, so why can't I? All I want is for the people I love to be happy and stay healthy. And that will make me the happiest person in the universe. 


Happy 2012 people :) let's grow up. It's not easy but what's the fun playing in easy mode rigggght?

Allah will be there for us.