Zero gravity

Dear Almighty, don't give up on me.

Hello people, it's been loooong since I last posted a 'happy' entry, when will I ever get to do that like ever again? No sighs, but sometimes I get tired of people telling me how gloomy I look even with the wittiest smile I tried to put on. Ouh before that, I would like to apologize to my beloved friends and readers, to make things clear, this is a place where I'm able to let go of what I can never say out, I never intended to condemn anyone, or anything of that sort, it's just a place where I can share what I've come across along my journey, the lessons I've learnt, the mistakes I've done and never want anyone else to repeat, also the joyous moments in life that people sometimes overlook and a lot of random stuffs. So if any of my posts has offended anyone at all, I'm truly very sorry, it's really honestly not my intention.


I'm scared with what's happening now. I'm at a point in life where I no longer have anything to wish for, for myself, I've come to the point where I have nothing to want, where my point in life doesn't revolve around myself anymore, and even my life doesn't revolve around me any longer. I don't have any feelings but I'm still here, like I've given everything up but I'm still holding on just because my family needs me to not lose grip. I have feelings, yes, but I don't have emotions for what I want to have, the things I need, for the things that's for ME. My greatest joy is just when my family is happy, but I don't know what it's like to be happy for myself, I forgot what it's like, my heart has gotten so numb. I'm at a point in life that I'm really really scared of. I'm finding excuses for myself. How ridiculous. I don't know what I feel and what to feel. I'm living life as it's been presented before me, but with one wish and one purpose only - my family and Allah to not disappoint. Other than that; nope, nothing. 


Am I turning into a zombie? (silly) I don't even know what to feel now. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm happy at the same time, I'm okay, I'm neutral, so what's up?


Praise be to Allah, what's ahead for me is Your will and I'll be faithfully accepting each and every single one of it. So if you ask me how's my life and etc., well, I don't even know, stop asking, I have no hopes and plans for myself but I'm giving my all for the ones I love.