S.O.S.

Deep inside, I know, I'll remember for the rest of my life that I've had the most amazing thing life can ever offer. I know about what were, I'm just not too sure about what they are and how things really are now, and I don't have a single idea about what's ahead, how things are going to be. I fear too much about tomorrow, when I don't even know what it is today, in the present. I stood still for I'm afraid of what consequences will I have to face if I move a single inch, when I don't even think of what consequences will I be facing if I keep on standing still. No one's here to tell me what to do, how am I supposed to figure that out by myself if I can't even make myself move from this very point and take risks even if I can never go back to where I was. I need someone to tell me or at least just give me a sign on what I should do, I need someone to just give me a clue, so badly. No, I need Him, up there, to give me a clue. I know I've to live to save my family but before saving anyone at all, I need to save myself, I can't be like this forever, when will I ever stop being like this, I need to save myself. Am I that much of a coward? Since when did I become one. Is what this person doing to me a right thing to do or not quite right but also not wrong? And is what I'm doing and what I'm in now is not right? As much as you want to be free, I want to be untied, yet I don't want to let go as much as you don't want to let me go. I just want to be there, free but within your reach, within your reach always, and within your reach only. I believe in love and friendships, at least I used to believe in them, I guess I no longer do, I love but that's just it. It's like adoring the gazillions of stars up there but that's just it because you know you won't be able to reach any, and because you just can't reach them. But it's like I've been lying here all along, day after day waiting for night to come and for the stars to twinkle right above me, and I kept lying here so still till the break of dawn, till the day passes by and for the night to come again, I lied down so still, waiting, for that one thing but not getting anything. And even if I know there are so much more to see if I just get up and look at so many other things around me, I'd still be lying down here so still for I don't want to miss anything that's going on up there when there's hardly any difference, and for I'm such a coward to get myself into new things in which I don't even know what the possibilities are. I know I should make a move, it's about time, no one's going to come to save me, I have to untie myself. Yes, I love the people I love, but it doesn't mean that I have to sit there looking out at them for the rest of my life, because I thought when it comes to love, we don't look through our eyes, but our hearts, so if I'm carrying my heart everywhere I go, won't I still be able to watch them wherever I am? I don't believe in relationships anymore, what's in a title anyway? I don't believe in friendships either, because what matters is no when you call someone your friend, but it's when your heart knows there's someone there standing by your side whom your heart knows as friend. Loving someone means loving someone, not just by labeling them as someone/something, because it'll seem like you have certain degree of love for some people depending on the given titles. Is that love? So what's next for me now? Will I ever have enough courage even when I found the clue to my puzzle? 

In the name of Allah my only one, help me.