Fix You

In the name of Allah, The Just, the one i depend on, the one i lay all my trust on.

It's been a bumpy ride lately. I couldn't even get myself to update anything here, I've been very unstable, I've been so demotivated these days because of so many things. But well, here I am once again. I don't quite have anything in particular in mind to talk about but I just miss writing. No, I've been missing a lot of things as well. And yes, here comes November, are you kidding me, November?? I tell you, time just won't stop ticking like dang. November coming meaning we'll be expecting December soon; and December coming meaning we'll be expecting our finals soon! However though, Finals coming meaning, sem break is coming too, to save me...or us all. God willing. 

       "When you tried your best but you don't succeed"
I've been listening to that over and over, no, actually it's been stuck in my head, it keeps on playing up here. It's a line from a song by Coldplay called Fix you. It's quite old but I just found the significance of the lyrics only recently. You know, it's true that sometimes no matter how hard you tried, you're still just not good enough, to some people; and those people are always the ones that you really wish to give your best to and bring out the best in you for. Maybe because they are really worth our efforts, that's why they're harder. Realizing that, I gave in to my broken heart and finally opened up to forgive and give just one more shot to fix things. Because I know they've tried their best, and they tried hard to correct their mistakes, maybe it's true I'm really worth their effort, so why should I be so selfish and shut down everything when I can at least give just one more try to make this right. The thing with opening up again is that, in my case, I'll keep on getting hurt and after some time I'll forgive and give in again, hoping that this time around things will be right, where most of the time things don't and it goes on like a circle; never-ending. Does that make me a really goddamn weak girl? To people, yes. But you know, if you're that weak, you won't even have the courage and strength to give in to yourself and open back up something that had once determined to shut down for good. You won't have the courage to do so because you're too weak to risk your heart and yourself to be hurt again. And if I am weak, this silence that has been constantly building this huge wall around me would have killed me way long ago, or drive me insane or something. Don't ask me to break these walls because I don't even have a single idea how to do so. But everytime I talk to God in my prayers, these walls just vanish, and when I make my parents smile, these bricks break one-by-one, and when my friends are close to me, I just can't feel those walls bugging me anymore, and when he's with me, I forget these walls ever existed.

My grandma always told me that no matter what people did to you, good or bad, they are your teachers in life. They teach you to grow up inside-out, they teach you to be stronger each time, they teach you that you can get back up if you stumbled and fell, they teach you to be courageous enough to deal with people like them and a lot more people better and even worse out there, they are your teachers, without them, you won't know what life really is, that's why revenge is never an answer, because it'll show that you're just like them. Her words have always been simple, but the meanings she puts into those words are priceless. My mother also told me the same thing once. Perhaps that's what I kept holding on to till people tend to call me weak just because I don't fight back. You know when I'll fight back, when someone hurts my family, and the people I love. So as for you-know-who, I don't care who you are, if you're related to me whatsoever, you're still going to get something from me soon for insulting my family, that's for sure, that remains final, but thank you though for being one of the many 'teachers' I've come across. 

I'm going to stop mumbling now. I'm missing everybody.