The next chapter

In the name of Allah, my best listener.

I miss writing.

Recently, till today, I realized a lot of things; things that are lying just under my nose yet I couldn't sense them, things that I knew were coming sooner or later but never expected them to actually really come, things that I never thought of, and everything else that made my day today such a miserable one.

My mother told me once, it hurts inside-out because we keep on holding things back and keeping them to ourselves, thinking that it'll be pointless anyway even if we say them out to people because things just won't change, and hoping that the silence will be able to bury them all and make you forget about them. Sometimes, silence is just the only way, the only choice you have. And when the silence from all those years comes back at you, this is what happens, you breakdown. and start flooding your post with silver-coated words that has completely no relevance (to some).

So today I went to watch Eat Pray Love, and now I don't know whether it made me feel better or worse because in about 2 hours, that movie has taught me a lot. It wasn't an awesome one, nor it is a bad movie, it was alright, but the lessons are meaningful. I learnt that sometimes some people stick or hold on to what they have, even if they're not happy because to them it's better to be unhappy with those things or people rather than being happy without them. In other words, it's alright to be unhappy, they just don't want to live without them.

I think I've just related that to myself, and that's somewhat shocking because I kind of feel that there's a truth in it in relation to myself. Here's what the movie made me think about. I knew long ago that I was trying too hard for things to be okay, and I kept waiting everyday for things to be right, I waited, and still am waiting for something that I'm not even sure of, although I have 100% faith and confidence in it. But that's the reality; I'm constantly waiting for something. Maybe this is what he has got used to, and that's why he's still holding on, maybe he is unhappy but he held on because I'm just a part of everything that revolved around him, and still is. Yes I miss him, I miss us. The thing is, I don't see it coming back to me, for me, at least not clearly. Words can tell different things but when two people just grew up together all their lives, words can lie no more. I knew all these things all along, I just never wanted to really say them because I was too scared. Now I know I have to say it because sooner or later it's going to come back at me and haunt me till I finally spill it out. I'm tired of lying to myself, and keeping things from myself, to myself, it's very annoying now. Let me just spill it all. What I think is, I feel like I'm doing all this because I seriously have nothing else to do. I'm waiting and waiting, and keep holding on because I've got nothing to do. Because honestly, I've really given up on my life way back then, and despite that I still need to go on until my time's up, you know, so I'm kinda like rambling and wandering around, and since I still have some time, and a broken heart that can neither be broken nor fixed anymore, there's no harm waiting and holding on then because I had to hold on anyway whether or not I want to. Of course i still love you, and I know that I don't need you to love me in return, but that's it. You know what, I find that I'm no longer expecting your love anymore now no matter how much I still love you, because I believe you'll know where to find me when you want to find me, so I won't wait anymore now, because I realize that after all these years, look at me, I've been on this very same page for so long, why, because I kept on waiting for something I hoped for, and I thought I saw it here somewhere, I used to see it here on this page, still searching and waiting for it, nope, nothing. But I never thought of what I'm going to find on the next page. Never even thought of turning to the other page. You're so grown up now, we both are, so I completely trust you, I believe that you can think for yourself so much better than I could, if you ever feel that you need me, I know you'll make the effort to find me, it's not so hard anyway. So I'm trying to grow up too here, internally. I've been refusing to get off this chapter of my life, until God has really presented me a few circumstances that are now forcing me to really get to the next chapter. You've got a bright future waiting for you and a family that's anticipated for that. And I, I've got a family to save, I've got little brothers to not disappoint, and I've got a broken-hearted zombie here to do all that, don't ask me how, I'm still trying.

A friend of mine asked me earlier, if i can be just anybody in the world, who would I want to be?
I answered her question with a simple silence. In other words, I was too lazy to bring that up and to say that out. Here it is, in case you still want to know. If I can be just anything at all, I want to be the person who is able to protect and defend her family and make everyone happy. I used to ask God, why do you give me the strength to even live if I can't even defend the people I love, why do you give me health if I have to see the people I love getting ill, why do you give me such strong faith to hold on to if you wanted to break the faith and spirits of the people I love, and why do you even let me live if I can't make the people I love happy again? I don't want the answers because I believe whatever He did was right, it's just that sometimes I really wonder. And another thing with me is that I've given up but I pretended to hold on and carry on because I just have to, and because I don't want to be another disappointment; so in a different view, it looks like I'm really the kind of person who won't just give up for nothing.

I'm done. For now, at least. I'm tired. I have no mood for practically everything currently. My heart has just been deflated and I'm super exhausted. I'll be looking forward to eat a lot tomorrow.