from nursabrina with love

In your name, Allah my Almighty, from sabrina with love.

It's the eve of Ramadan, my heart is all so melancholy. One thing I wish so much to start but not to ever end now is Ramadan, well maybe not before, I think I used to be expecting the Eid more everytime the fasting month starts, well that was like 3 years ago, not anymore, since 3 years back I had been wishing that the Eid can be erased from my calendar for good. The Eid is the day where Muslims celebrate victory, that's as our teachers and grandparents have taught, but personally, it has lost its meaning to me long ago. Why? Well, let's let that remain for-me-to-know-and-for-you-to-find-out kinda thing, only that you don't really have to find out because it's really unnecessary.

Whatever it was, whatever things will turn out to be sooner or later, time isn't going to move any faster, it's not going to slow down, it's not going to stop, well at least not quite yet, whatever "Seize The Day!" means to whoever, I guess, that's just what I'm doing, only that, I'm seizing every moment to make everyone, especially my parents, get their minds off all the problems, and smile as much as each moment can offer. And every moment just tear me apart everytime, again and again without fail. Why? First of all, it's simply because that's the least anyone can ever do, and that seems like the only thing I'm capable of doing, and secondly it hurts because it's just a matter of time before that smile I try to make them wear fades again. It isn't real. That hurts me. What hurts me more now is that I'm not only making them wear that fake smile, but I'm forcing myself to wear one too. But that's okay, I'm okay with that, I don't even need a smile, so, so what if it's fake or not. Everything I do now is no longer for myself anymore, so, so what if my heart breaks time and time again, so, so what if no one knows how much it's hurting, so, so what if I'm this and that, it's not like it matters to anyone anymore, it doesn't even matter to me anymore, so, so what if you know or not, so what if anyone loves me or not, so what if I'm like trash, it's not like any of that matters. I'm only trying and doing my very best to carry on with life, I'm trying my best for the people I love, so what if I even say anything, it's not like it matters, right? Yes, right, full stop. I did not give up on hope. Hope gave up on me. So I got my hands up, I surrendered. I surrendered my all to the Almighty, everything is within his power, I'll just remain on my knees, it's going to hurt after some while, if He gives me a break and tells me to just lie back, I surely will sir, just, He won't give me a break, just not quite yet, I haven't done enough.

What exactly is the purpose of this entry, really? I was, and still am reminiscing about some things, that eventually lead me to post this entry. You know sometimes, when we try too hard, and things just won't change, worse off, we knew all along it won't, and we keep trying harder, keep holding on to broken hopes, hopes that sometimes are just made up, it's just so pathetically heart-breaking. What's worse is that, the only place you can share everything to are the screen and keyboard. You don't even know what it's called in real language, but you just know it's depressing because you're trying just as hard to hold back these damn tears. I'm sick and tired. God listens without fail. And although it seemed like He didn't quite get my message each night since years back, I strongly believe he has heard me, and he has heard me for so many times already. When he protects the people I love, yes He surely heard me, when He helped to make ayah recover He heard me, when I was craving for something and I got it one way or another, He heard me, and for so many other uncountable things, He has been listening to me, just this one thing He probably didn't quite agree to, maybe he has got something better waiting for me later on, maybe somebody still needs me, maybe I'm still good for something I never knew, who knows. 

It's the eve of Ramadan. It's the eve of Ramadan. I know just why You did not listen to me. Simple, people. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve his attention anymore. I've done nothing to deserve the special attention. I asked too many whys. I sigh too much. I've been ungrateful. I've been stupid. It's the eve of Ramadan. I'll choose to remain kneeling. And for now, I'll choose to just look down, keep my eyes staring still at the bare ground, and apologize to everyone. If I've ever been too selfish, too boastful, too ignorant, too much or too little, I apologize for I am only human, in fact, I am the one who's really stupid, like some say, I'm a donkey, what can I do if it's true, I am truly sorry. Dear loved ones, especially, everything I did was never good enough, and never enough, and no matter how hard I tried to do whatever I thought I could do, the thing is, you and I knew how things are going to be, I still tried, eventually I tried just a little bit too hard, however, I'm not going to quit though, simply to make you see how far and how long I can take for how much I love all of you. Go for another sister, go for another bestfriend, go for another girl, just be happy, because that's what kept me going; your happiness. I love you, today, since all those years ago, and for many more years to come - that won't change, replace me with whoever you wish for, I'd still love you, and one thing for sure, in case you want to know, I won't replace you, I've got the best, what more can I ask for? I should be thankful now instead. Even though you've stopped loving me, well, it's not like I need to be loved, it'll be such a waste to waste your love on a wasted girl with a wasted life, heh? I'm glad that I've come to know you, I've come to love you, I'm so very sorry for not becoming the best for you. Please be happy. Allah, this time, just this one time, for the only-You-know-how-much-longer, please, take this one most precious, most important prayer, protect them all and make them happy always. Aamiin. This time please listen to me, it's the eve of Ramadan, and I filled it with my regrets for all the times I've disappointed you, and listen to it for I have sealed it with love.