yours sincerely..

so i heard ayah has read my blog. heheh..super deal. well, so i'm expecting him to read this entry. this specially goes to him. 

things are getting tougher for us, especially to you, our lives are getting harder, but it's harder for you, i know, because you're trying your best so that your children won't feel so much affected by the hardships. but you know we always got each other's back, and yes, i've got your back, WE have got your back. i mean, look, you have 4 brave soldiers behind you, and err should i call myself as your 'warrior princess' (like Xena the Warrior Princess)? hahahaha. might sound funny and too much huh? but well, i'd love to let you get the idea that i'm as strong as your soldiers alright. so here's the deal, i'm not happily studying here away from home when i obviously know what's happening back home (no matter how all of you might have tried to hide it from me), and i can see that all of you, especially you ayah, are worrying about so many things as there are so many issues going on. i know, and i also know i can't do much to help you either. but we can make it through. one day. we will. we all will. and one day maybe i'll be able to help too. and Allah knows how hard i want that day to come fast. and we will make it through, without CIGARETTES. okay. can cigarettes help you get out of all these issues that we're having, ayah? I know when things get just out of hands, and out of your willpower, you'll tend to smoke for whatever purpose you think it brings. but won't it just add up to the problems we've had? I can't study happily here when i'm worrying-sick about you and everyone, and when i found out you've started smoking again, my heart broke, and thinking about it, my heart just breaks everytime. I have gone through the days of seeing you on the hospital bed, looking so pale and sick, with the smell of all the medications on your skin, with everything that had happened years ago when you were sick, I remember everything vividly, and I don't want to go through those days anymore. When you got well and got out of hospital that time, i prayed hard that you won't be going through these moments ever again, and that you won't fall sick again, and that you and everyone will stay healthy. you see. I DON'T WANT TO EVER GO THROUGH THOSE DAYS AGAIN. it was hard for me, it was heart-breaking to see the people i love to be in pain and sick and blablabla. i don't want that to happen again. especially after what happened to mama. okay. maybe you're going to read this, maybe not, but this is just the only place i can let this out without having all the emotions driving my mind. 

enough said, i've got your back ayah. we all have. please take a good care of yourself. am i even eligible to offer you an advice? im only an 18-year old girl. but i need you to just consider what i've said. Allah has gifted all of us with healthy organs, body, and mind. why should we damage it, destroy it, for the sake of the people who has somewhat broken our hearts or whatever the reasons are? in the end, will it be worthwhile? 


with all my heart, i love you ayah, i love you all, and i need you to take a good care of yourselves. maybe one day, i might become your warrior princess, who knows? and when that day comes, i want you to be there, healthily you know. so please take good care of yourself.