some things are, some just aren't

In the name of Allah.


Hello folks, sorry I've been away for a while. 
The new semester just started and my new life as an aunt too, so yeap, you know how it is.
Today, something touched my heart. Not just today, a lot has happened recently too.
So I really want to share some things.


Where do I begin..


Well, today I saw how hard letting go is.
I've faced it before but I've never really seen how it looks like from a third person point of view.
It feels just as hard, just that of course, being the one who's letting go is even harder than just being the one who watches someone else doing it.
My youngest brother had to let go of his cat today.
I'm very proud of him, although he did cry for a while, but Im proud that he now has the guts to do it, Im proud that he's going through this phase of 'letting go' because that means he's learning about what life really is. Im just proud. I hope he'll understand that sometimes, it's not just about us, sometimes it's about others. Like Steven said, 'Everything must have its season'. Except one thing, of course, at least as far as I know, that is. And it's called love. Letting go of someone's hand does not mean letting the love go as well. Some things don't remain in our lives forever, but our love for it remains in our heart for eternity. No one wants to do that; letting go of the hand of someone we love. Never. But we might never know what's ahead of them and ahead of us, unless we let them make their way and let ourselves move forward. I remember long ago I've let go of a very good friend, she was my best friend, still is in my heart. Never knew she would be so much happier without me until I've let her go. What's better than seeing the people you love live a happy life? I never had the guts and courage to let go of anything or anyone I love, not even until this day, but I did it anyway, a few times already and I hope I won't have to do it again. I realize the last thing we could do is pray. Pray for the very best for them. If we're the best for them, then may Allah lead their way back to us. If not, may Allah give us the strength to move on.


And sometimes there are things that we want to get away from so badly yet it sticks to us till our last breath. I remember my friend asking me, till when do we need to be patient with everything that has happened? I guess I'm the one who should be asking her that. I have to deal with this pain in my spine, with every single breath I take it's hurting so freaking bad. Knowing that this is what I'll be going through for the rest of my life until I stop breathing, I've broken down and given up once in a while before. A lot of money has gone down the drain yet nothing got better, only worse. I used to cry, take pills, cry, take pills, whine, take pills, cry, take more pills. Everytime I'm alone, I ask myself, WHY ME? and HOW MUCH LONGER? but I never really dared to ask it out loud because I don't want Allah to think I'm being ungrateful. Even if you ask me today what I really want for myself, I'd say, I want to have my rest, but I know I won't get it till it's my turn. If giving up is an OK thing to do, I want to give up so badly because God knows how hard it is. I've been to so many doctors, I'd say, they know nothing. If I can't get better, then at least give me some support so I'll be strong enough to make it through. I know my parents are very supportive, but I also know that I'm not their only child, they can't be attending to me all the time. That's why everyone has friends. So tell me, where are mine? Where are mine? Don't they know I'm in need of some support? So what happens is, when I'm in really unbearable pain, I just stay in bed by myself, cry while I close my eyes really hard, try real bad to put myself to sleep so the pain will slip away. 


I don't blame anybody. I know if they knew how painful it feels, they'd be here. But I never want them to feel that pain. I don't ever want them to feel any pain. It's better if they don't even know how it's like. All I want is for Allah to always keep a smile on their face. A real smile, the smile that I've lost so many years ago. All I have now is a fake, broken one, yet I can assure you, no matter how hard it is, my smiles always come from my heart, you can count on that. Because I want to be the girl who smiles even when it's killing her to even carry on. I want to be the girl who brighten up the days of the people around her, even when she couldn't brighten her own. 

If my brother is reading this, I want him to know that life won't always be so kind to us, but Allah will. You can mark my words and I promise you Allah has His ways of teaching us, and helping us as well. Just, trust Him.