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In the name of Allah.

My heart is beating so fast, and it's been like this the whole day. I'm here but my mind is elsewhere. I wish I could just call someone for help. Knowing that no one could ever listen, might as well just talk in my new entry here. I find my days very empty because I'm not really where my body is. Finals is around the corner and all I can do is worry about my parents. Every second, all I ever wonder about is how they are doing, have they eaten, things like that. If they are not doing okay, are they resting, have they gone to see the doctor, do they have enough money? I'm so bloody worried about them for God's sake! :'( Some people are tortured with what they have to go through, with all that their life has to offer. Now I'm tortured as hell with the fact that I cannot stay close with my family when they need me most. And I have to suffer with the fact that a part of their suffering is to pay for my studies here. I can't do this :'( How can I let them do this all alone?

And as for myself, I've tried fighting with myself to not reach the phone and bother him. Not today, today I lost to myself. I just reached for the phone and began texting him. I know he would not respond, and yes he did not. I just told him the whole thing that's happening and cried and at once I felt a little relieved. I realized it's just me now, I'm on my own. I seriously need to stop bug him. A friend of mine said I should start with, stop stalking him on facebook. I know I could not do that because everytime I log in, I'll look at his profile and look at any updates he has. So I deleted my facebook account. This way, I won't be able to stalk him anymore. The hardest thing to do is not to love someone that you don't even know whether or not he loves you, but it's when you miss someone you cannot miss. And I'm missing him so much. I'm sick of the fact that I'm so depressed with everything that's going on and he's the only one I can talk to but I couldn't. And all I can do now is, keep quiet.

If I ever get anyone to ask me WHAT I WANT now, people, I want my family to be healthy and happy again. I want him back. and I want all these before I leave. I want to see all these before I leave. :'( That's all I ever wanted. Will someone ask me that question already?