The month of all the good things

In the name of Allah, The One who made all the beautiful things I've ever seen.

Thanks to this blog, I now at least have a place to tell about things I can never speak out, I have a place to let go of what I feel, and I don't have to worry about what people might say or think. Thanks to some oh-so-lovely and faithful readers, they always keep me writing and telling stories, although sometimes boring, they're the best thing about writing, to me. Thank you.
Even though I do not reveal much about myself here, my stories and posts have portrayed a lot of things about my life, and this blog is just a way of sharing my life's best and worst lessons with whoever who wants it, and if anyone can ever relate to my stories and make it a precaution in their own lives, I'm happy enough. If this blog has ever helped just anyone, I'm just so very happy.

Ramadhan is ending soon. I promised this Ramadhan will be the most memorable one in my entire life, and yes, it is. This year, I've been to Tarawikh for the first time in my entire 18years of living, I've found the simplest thing that made the greatest joy in the whole universe and it's been there all along, but only this Ramadhan that I get to see it, it's the joy of seeing my father smiling again, this Ramadhan, I've found some wonderful people who taught me so many wonderful things, this Ramadhan, I've lost the bestfriends of my life and discovered they're happy without me though, this Ramadhan, I understand what do I need to live for.

I've come to love so many things and so many people, it might seems too easy to love just anyone, but yes, I've come to love so many people, even the ones I never talked to, because everyone has been so nice and wonderful. I might have lost my bestfriend whom I love more than anything, but I'm glad that she's doing better without me, and I'm happy that she's happy, although I really want her to know that if she's ever going to need someone, I'll always be here. I looked at some of our pictures and silly videos earlier, it's just too bad that I'm not happy without you like you are without me, you know, you were a huge part of myself ='( well, I believe I'll be okay, love doesn't have to be mutual, remember? I've met some good friends here; Anita who's always so strong and lively, Jeremy the genius, Sabina the crazy child, Lillian who always knows what she wants, Elen the beautiful, and the rest of the gang who are always so loud and fun and the awesome-est ever.  Sometimes they are just like a sarcasm that reminds me of how I used to be, but most of the time they taught me that I can always have fun, they taught me that everyone has a story but it's up to us to lock ourselves in it and away from the rest of the world or just live life as it is. The thing is, I'm not locking myself away, I'm just locked up and couldn't escape. I know my friend, Anita, is trying to help me with myself but it's just that I really can't, or else, I won't be here, writing. She's been really good to me, sometimes I feel so bad because I don't think I deserve her because I don't even believe in friendships anymore, and it's like I'm taking her away from someone else. It's just not fair. But these wonderful people I've mentioned are simply amazing because I think they have special eyes, and ears, because they are able to see the unnoticeable me when no one else can, and they can hear my silence when everyone else hears nothing at all, and they are willing to be a part of it, they are willing to risk themselves in boredom, they are willing to be my friends. And of course, the most precious thing that has happened this Ramadhan is that, I can see my father smiling again. Telling him to stop smoking is almost impossible, so this is good enough for me. That was all I wanted, I'd risk my life for just that, and i didn't have to and I just got it. To hear him joking around again, means just so much to me, I've been missing that too much and too long that I just wished I didn't have to leave home this time because I was afraid that it'll be gone again while I'm away. That's the best thing that has ever happened in my entire life, and praise be to God, thank you so very much. Just talking about it has made  me cry, it really was the one thing I ever needed, especially during hard times like this. Moving on, as much as I love to have this other person whom I've loved so much, although he's too busy with his new life, I'm also happy that it seems like he's better off without me. Is this simply the price I have to pay for being who I am, because it's like everyone is good without me but it's the other way around for me. I know everyone's busy, but just so they'll know, I love them so much and all I ever want is that they are all  happy and safe.

So far, I've been walking alone for quite long, but I'm okay because you know, He's up there watching out at me, looking after me, and He's looking after all the people I love, there's nothing else I'd ask for. All the love I have belong to Him, so you can trust me when I say I love you, because in the name of God, I love you, and maybe that's just why I can never detach or unlove or just forget about the people I've come to love, although it's been hurtful most of the time, some people call it as being faithful, God and I just call it love.