Stop believing, stop living.

In the name of Allah The Almighty.


I met the old man I mentioned earlier in previous post - the one who's mentally ill, and sitting at the side of one of the shops here in my neighbourhood, behaving 'unacceptably' in public, and asking people for money. I approached him, sat beside him, stared at him for a while. He looked uncomfortable with the distance between us. I gave him a pack of Twiggies. He stared, did not dare to accept what I offered. I smiled at him and placed the snack on his lap. I asked him where does he stay, he shook his head. I asked him what's his name, he kept quiet while slowly opening up the pack of Twiggies I gave, he ate like he has never eaten for days. My heart broke just looking at him and listening to his silence. I asked once more whether he has any relatives. He munched on. I noticed his eyes were staring blankly at the sky. I asked, "You looking out for God?" He remained silent. My heart broke even more. 


He finished his Twiggies and made no movements.


"I don't know if I have anyone, I don't know if I even have a home because I can't even recall what a home is really like. My name is Uncle maybe, and I don't know if God should really be called a God, and thank you for this"


I smiled weakly at him, patted his shoulder and left.
I closed my eyes, once more, my heart was torn apart.

Then, the only thing I know is that I'm lying on the floor and the bright light on the ceiling is bugging me! Damn, it was a dream. See, I knew it - if I think too much about something, it can even get into my dreams. And you know me, I always think too much about some things. I started the day with....err, thinking about the Uncle. I'm lost in thoughts the whole day, and now I'm saying out everything here. I wondered about so many things, things that were, might been, and might just happen. This 'Uncle', what was he like in his youth? What was his life like? Where did he came from, what had he done, what had people done to him, what made him like this, what is going to happen next to him, and what will the end of his life be like? I know, I sometimes think I have OCD, because I always think too much about things that sometimes, or most of the time, has got nothing to do with me. But I can't help it. Even I, myself call it a disease of my own. But back to this old man, I think I can assume one thing, without being wrong. He's too broken inside. Yes. Elaborate? Well, it can be that he has had friends, family, but he was disappointed, and it can't be just once, he is hurt, and he's been hurt for a lot of times, and maybe for a long time. There must be a story behind this. That one, can never be assumed. But I know, he must have had someone, someone he cherished. He must have had some friends. He must have had a family. Whether which broke him, they must have been very special to him, and that's why the pain is just, permanent, wouldn't go away. The pain couldn't go away that his senses did. And as I think it over, I learnt one thing, I learnt about one powerful strength everyone of us has, yes, no exceptions. Our greatest strength is to believe. To believe. It is the one rule in everything we do. To believe. It's when we believe that things will happen, it's when people believe in us that we can do things, it's when there are beliefs that people have something to hold on to, it's only when we believe. This poor old man must have believed in something once, and that something has disappointed him. I can't assume his case, but to apply it to mine, I used to believe so hard in friendships. 'To believe' made me keep having faith for another friendship after one failed. I've never given up on friendships, because I believed. But now that all those friendships has cut me so deeply, and that the cuts are all still bleeding and open, my heart can barely feel anything anymore, and it has lost it's faith in believing. Now that I don't believe in friendships anymore, I can never get one anymore, I can never see it, I can never open up for it, and that has made me who I am now. People say I have this phobia to socialize, well, the thing is I simply don't socialize anymore, and I've explained why.


And as for this old man, his issues weren't just with friendships or love of family, but I think, it's also with God. Has he lost someone he loved, has he been hating God because He had taken something or someone he loved away from him? What is a life without believing in The Almighty? His life seems pointless now. He doesn't care anymore about what people think or might think about him and his behaviours because maybe, he just don't give a damn to make an impression anymore. He just don't care about the way people might look at him, because to him, it makes no difference anymore. And even if he live his life, work on his life, work for his life, maybe to him it also makes no difference because he has lost his point of living. And even if he did work on his life, behave as he should, live healthily and happily, how is it possible, and what are they all for? He is empty. His heart is full of holes, cuts, and wounds, that whatever he tries to fill in, everything flows back out. It's just pointless. How can the life of this old man be fixed? No one can do it for him, Allah can do it, but he must do it first for himself, he has to believe again. And first, he has to believe that he can do it. I'm very depressed today, because of this Uncle whom I only approached in my dreams! Can any great, super genius psychologist out there find a solution to fix his life, his heart, again? Allah, please do what's best. 


What a long entry I'm posting this time. I'm sorry. I just feel so sorry for this old man. And I know there are so many more of them out there. As I reflect to this, I just want to say that we all have disappointments, some people have even more than we do, Allah is there, your God is there when no one else is. Believe in yourself, believe in the life you live, believe in your God, believe in the things you believe in, keep your faiths, keep them close, never give them away, remember, they are your greatest strength. Maybe today you're disappointed, but you have to believe that you can't be disappointed everyday. Maybe things are hard now for you, but you have to believe that things are not always going to be hard. Sometimes you think that no one can feel the pain you feel. Like this Uncle maybe. But the truth is, his pain has hurt me even more, and I have got nothing to do with him. And my point is, sometimes you think that your pain is unbearable enough, but actually the pain you go through hurts someone else even more. Especially, when all that person can do is, nothing. Have faith that even if everything is gone, there's still, at least one thing, that you can believe in, and hold on to. Just remember to not stop believing.