what makes me happy today, well, maybe not "happy"-happy, but im starting to smile again. it's because i met baizzat, my brother, the closest person to me that represents my family back home, someone that had made me feel more comfortable, when he's around i feel like at home again. luckily, i have a brother close to me here. at the same time, he has made me just miss home so much more. he told me not to worry much about mama and ayah and everything back in melaka, then abruptly, my heart ached, and tears started to fill my eyes. how can i not worry? how can i... even talking about this in here now hurts so much, and it manages to make me cry everytime without fail. but maybe now it's better than last week. at least i can now smile and talk again, and sing. only of course, from time to time, it just strikes.
and yea, i think my brother was concerned if im like in a culture-shock or something, because, he knows im like this; quiet, obedient, blablabla. well, i was going to say to him just now, "look at you, you did not get that culture-shock thing right, and im your sister, we share the same blood, why would you think i'd be easily deceived?" heheh...but i did not, i wonder why =P i mean, why should i be so impressed by a bunch of people that just well, just, i dont know. just, why would i? i am quiet, people can think im old school, 'budak kampung' or whatever they want, like i care, like it would affect me. i do what i want, i'll talk when i have to, i know who i am, so why would i be someone im not, why would i want to be someone else? im good enough for myself. i dont necessarily have to fit in, as im here because it's just where i have to be, and i do my business, i stick to what i hold on to, i can be a good friend, but i can never change. you'll have to accept me as i am, and respect my ways.
this morning i was eating Nasi Lemak and i saw some things that triggered me to post something on my facebook, but then i deleted it because, facebook! you know, i felt like it would be too exposed. so i just thought i can say it in my blog, i mean, i don't think many people are going to read it, or if there is any, but i did not bother how much the exposure was because it's simply my point of view, and people can criticize whatsoever, i don't even think i would get into a debate, waste of time, it's just one person's perspective out of gazillions of people in the world, so, just take it, or just go do something better than reading such a rubbish blog like mine. back to my point, i was just pitying some people, you know, blessed with beautiful, healthy hair but wasn't contented and wanted to change the colour, go blonde whatsoever, then, blessed with eyes in good condition, but still, also, wanted to change the colour, then, being blessed with beautiful skin, but wanted to have pictures on it, as in tattoo blablabla, then, having parents who love unconditionally, yet abandon them, then having people who love you but you leave them, hurt them, then, having a wife, and children, yet, abuse them, then, being gifted with healthy internal organs that make you function so well, yet damage them, then God gifted a little wealth, you already became too greedy as if you can buy the world, then, God gave you freedom and harmony, but you forget others who suffer, and when you crash, you blame others, then, being blessed with knowledge, but easily became too proud, then, born with a religion, but still wanting to follow others', being blessed with your very own uniqueness yet still wanting to be someone else,
there are too many things to say, in this matter, but i just want to end this by just one more,
we are blessed with a heart, but we often only use it for ourselves, that's the major discontentment in human race. why haven't we noticed? or maybe we already have, it's just that we can't seem to bother.
and what's with kids nowadays, sometimes i think, they're too hyper and excited of some kind, to see the real big world. so you just entered college, and you were like, so bizarre about almost everything of being an adolescent maybe, i dont know what's the right description, but more or less, ya. i think, you need to slow down, i know you'd say, life's too short to blablabla, but hey, are you like, just starting to get to see and know and feel the real world or something, because i kinda think you are, dont correct me even if im wrong, it's only what I (out of millions people) think, remember? and yet, you think i'm a freak. well then i think you are. and you were telling me, and giving me an advice to learn to have fun? whoa. im did not live in a cave, back in melaka, i do know how to have fun, i dont have to have fun YOUR way; my life, my way, err get it?
you see, i always talk so much, because i've been monologuing all day, this is just where i can express them all, i dont like to talk, i can talk a lot, like this, in here, and only with my family, and my bintang, he has once said that i just mumble and babble so much that he could fall asleep, but he said, that's the first thing he'll miss about me when im not around. the thing is, even if the people i love might have stopped loving me, my love stays the same, someone told me i was the dumbest person as i was being dumb loyal in love, but to me, it's not about loyalty, it's just, love, i think my love is too precious and valuable that it's not that easy to change the people im in love with, or, it's just too meaningful to just give to another person after i had given to this one person, you know, to me, if i've given my love to this one person, then my love is only for him, till the end of time. to me, love cant just be passed on. that's just not the way it is. say and think whatever you want, i have my own ways of perceiving things and life, that i really dont care about what you might want to say or think, plus, if i get hurt, and if i feel pain, i was facing it alone, i had to face it on my own, anyway. it's not like, you were there. Allah is with me. if no one can be there for me, He's there, always. and so, maybe my heart is not ready to heal, but with His will, i am ready to crawl on my knees and stand back up again. thank you for watching me fall, hurt, deserted, reaching out for help, and now crawling with the bleeding cuts, trying to get back up, and you just watched, thank you, what a show huh? sometimes, people love real-life drama.
and i, i just kept being another hit.
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