aim a shot gun at my head, right at the center of my brain.

i've got so many things going on here in my mind today. all the feelings sort of rushed into my body, sadness, pain, etcetera2. i tried shutting my eyes, but once i opened them, i felt like there's a time bomb in my body, ticking so fast as if it's going to explode in the next heartbeat.

i called mama a few hours ago, i miss everything back home. but i could sense the tone of her voice. unfortunately, i didn't dare to ask. but at the same time, my eyes were filled with tears. i didn't know where that came from, and how did it happen, it just happened. it's like, i knew something is going on back home, and something is not quite right in the tone of her voice, but i didn't ask just because it's going to hurt even more whatever her answer would be, and whatever the answer could possibly be, the fact is, i'm not there, i was not there with her, and all of them. That's more than enough to break my heart. After i hung up, i couldn't say a word, i just put my earphones on and tried hard to put myself to sleep so that i could somewhat, slip through the moment. and yes, i slept. whew.

as usual, i woke up feeling hungry (i'm always like that, although not proven to be genetic, i must just be custom-made). so i got dressed and made my way to the nearest place where food can be found; err, mcdonald's of course. but then, the chicken just worsen my sore throat (damn). but well, while i was finishing up my sundae, everything came rushing back into me. suddenly, it's back again. I was struck with sudden deep pain, and sadness (psychologists have got to take my case!). i don't know what's really happening. and suddenly when that happened, every unpleasant and heart-breaking memory flashed back, all at once, in my head. Then i felt the time bomb again. Ya allah, what's all this about..please don't frighten me, i've freaked out enough so far.

my heart had broke so many times before that i lost count. after each heartbreak, i'd put those broken pieces back into place. the crack is still there, it's noticeable, i know. But to me, i'd rather think that it looks as good as new. but when all these weird things happened, my heart is cracked back into millions of pieces and all i could do was stood still, watching how my effort to put them together all these years have just shattered like that, and sort of lost my senses. this is not the time for another supernatural thing to happen, this is not the time for me to lose myself to whatever this whole thing is called, because i have an exam tomorrow, a freaking massive presentation, and a journal critique to spare a piece of my mind on! so what i decide to do was, this! go online. yup. and all i did for the last 60 minutes was typing an essay-long post.

now i remembered when my lecturer, Mr.Marzuki said, 'life is tragic'. Life is in fact tragic. And now i realize how hard it is to detach yourself from something you've grown up with. It's like detaching from your own life. How can i focus on what i'm doing, or what i've got to do, if all i did was worrying about everybody, except myself. i know i could never look after every one of them, but at least, when i'm close, i can keep an eye on them, so that whatever happens, I AM THERE. I AM WITH THEM. but this, it's far from what i imagined life would be, and it's far from what i want my life to be. that's when i hate people saying, 'life won't always go the way you wanted'. It will take forever for me to agree on that, i never want to, i never will. All i want is for everyone i love to be safe. fullstop.