GROW UP! or not..

In the name of Allah, my only friend.

I hate growing up. 

I don't like it.


And I guess that's just what I'm doing. Unconsciously, maybe, but definitely.
I have been wondering, why do I still see myself as a little less than just 19 like everybody else I know.
Does that make sense to you? Now I'm talking like a child.
When I sit and think back, I see everybody else my age has grown up, go out at night, drive a car or at least ride a motorbike, and i dont know, do things young adults do. And I'm nowhere in the picture.
I always see myself by my parents' side, which is good, to me, at least. Not to some of my friends, though.
And I guess I just realized why.


Can it be that I'm avoiding from things that make me grow up?
I mean, of course we can't avoid from growing up, biologically. Time still run whether you like it or not right?
But psychologically maybe, yes. I dont know, you tell me.
I never wanted to take my driving license, because I think driving is an adult's thing and I dont like it.
I refuse to get the pinky-ness off my room, everything's still pretty pink, and my stuffed toys are still everywhere. If you ever entered my room you would have thought it's a baby girl's nursery or something.
I go out alone sometimes since I don't have many friends to go out with, but most of the time I just prefer to go out with my parents, my family. 
I can talk to a stranger on my own, I mean like a doctor or my department counselor,
but if my mother is around, I always let them do the talking and all I do is sit and listen, and nod when necessary :p
What am I?!
Even as a kid, I don't remember wishing or wanting so much to grow up and become this and that.

I don't like this. I don't like the fact that I'm realizing what I'm doing and not thinking that it's right.
Why am I avoiding growing up? I'll grow up anyway.

Oh. I think I remember.
Growing up means someone is going to leave you when it's time.
Growing up means you're going to be somebody when it's your time.
Growing up means you'll start having bigger, greater responsibilities.
Growing up means there is no room for fooling around anymore.
Because growing up is no laughing matter.
Growing up is serious business, you start paying bills, paying for this and that.
You'll have to start thinking about life, about how to live, how you're going to survive in the big, bad world.
It means, you are no longer a little girl.
No more calling out for mom and dad when you stumble and fall.
YOU growing up means your parents are growing old.
And that's probably the part I hate most.
Growing up means growing stronger, whether you ARE strong enough or not, whether you like it or not.

No one likes that. Do you? I sure don't.
I can't stop time, so I stopped or paused my clock.
Of course it does not mean time will stop, but to me, hey, my clock is not ticking.
In a sense, that's what Im doing.
I've lost so many people I love. So does everybody else, I know. But I'm just more terrified than anyone is.
Maybe because at this point, I really just have my parents. They are my best friends.
I feel like a little girl. Always excited to come home to them. What am I?
That's good, in a sense, but it's not normal. I'm supposed to go out with friends, find how interesting life is.
But I don't even feel excited to discover anything about life that I've never known of before.
I don't even feel like I want to know.
I just want to be home, or wherever my family is.
I'm just too scared, I don't want them to go and leave me. I've had enough of that kinda moment.
And I don't want it again.


I realize I've missed out a lot on life.
But this is me, this is my life.
If you give me one wish, I'd wish for my parents to be happy again and stay healthy.
If you give me another wish, I'd wish for my bothers to live a happy and successful life.
Give me another 10 000 wishes, they'd all still be for everybody else.
Because there's nothing I want for myself, I already have all the amazing people in my life,
who make up who I am, who mean the world to me, what more can I ask for?
Maybe yes, one thing, I wish they'll never leave me.
Is that even possible? :( so what's the point wishing for it anyway?

Well, let's not get all melancholic now :)
Life is as it is. When your time is up, your time is up.
Live for today, don't grow up if you don't want to, grow up when you want.
Be your 21 whenever you're ready.
But whatever you want to become right here right now, be the best of it.
Get your license when you're up for it, I mean, you got to buckle up for the stress of driving you know.

Im not trying to deny God's plans. I AM growing up, no doubt, and no worries.
Im growing up my own way.
I'll be a 20 year-old when I need to be in that role.
When I can just be a 6 year-old, I'll be that 6 year-old.
I have always been someone older than my age anyway, because I have to.
When life's going hard on you, you just got to go a little harder, so you don't lose your battle.
So yup.
But I still don't like the term growing up, okay? :)