so who are you?

In the name of Allah, the one who knows the tiniest details from the past, present, and future.


For some people who know me well enough, they would have known that I get bored so easily living with the same things, I don't like routines because I get bored of them after a while, from time to time you'll find me cutting my hair for no reasons just to change how it looks, I don't like to read one particular book for a long period of time so I will always try to finish it as soon as I can, unless if I don't like the book then I'll just stop reading it already after flipping through a few pages. I can go from The Killers all the way to Demi Lovato or even Bryan Adams. At some point, you'll find me asking for some of the most random things like having barbecue under a flyover, go kite-flying...-well don't make me start on this one. One day I'll  dress up as the most innocent girl you'll ever meet and the next day I can be someone else, which depends on a daily basis situation. Yet, I don't get how I'm also very faithful to certain things or people and never get bored of them, sometimes it's just pathetic and ridiculous that even the person closest to me couldn't understand that, and I wonder why. Especially when it comes to love, I tend to hold on as tight as I can and if possible I want to hold on to it for the rest of my life, which I'm starting to hate more and more now. It doesn't matter if it concerns my family, friends, or some special person, it's love in general. I'm starting to hate this part of myself, I don't want to not get bored of things or even people, I don't like it, because they always take me for granted knowing that I'll be here forever, knowing that I won't let go, knowing that I won't even be able to do so. I don't like it. I don't want to be the person who holds a lifetime role, I want to come and go with the seasons, touch people's lives and leave before I can even land my feet on the ground, because it's better to not land anywhere anyway for I might come to love the soil that touches my skin, I might come to love the people I share the ground with. Maybe in simpler words I can say that I want to be the one leaving because I don't want people to leave me. I want to be the one who walks away because I don't want to see anyone walking away from me. I want to be the one who says goodbye and leave because I don't want to hear anyone saying goodbye to me. I want to love the people that I love more than anything so they'll remember me even when I'm no longer seen nor heard. Don't I sound quite selfish? No matter how much I wish I can be that person, still, I'm not and I can never be. Because this is who I am. My love gets people bored. My love is so strong and faithful yet pathetic and sick, but the people who love me, love me for everything that I am, including this sick part of me. When I'm gone, someone is going to miss all the sickness my love brings, someone is going to miss being loved the way only I can do. Even just for a second, someone is going to miss something about me. And when that happens, time has already passed, cannot be turned back nor stopped anymore, and all I'll be is some memory from the past, but I'll be glad to have finally left everyone to live a happier, less sickly life. 


Even if no one will ever miss me, at least when I've left I can be as selfish as I want :) and at least my absence will bring a lot of joy to a lot of people.


Just remember no matter who you are, what kind of person you really are, there's no one else like you, there will never be.