wrong or right - it's alright.

In the name of Allah, The One who never fails.

It's amazing how natural it is to choose the wrong from right, because most of the time, they look and feel so right, no matter how wrong they really are. Sometimes, we know some things are wrong, but they tend to be the right ones for us. Sometimes, we know some things are wrong, but they tend to be the only ones left.

  In my case (as always), I know silence is not always better, in fact, it's never good, but it happens to be my only choice, and now my whole life revolves in it, and I tell you, this silence has gotten way too loud that it even bugs the people around me. I know, too, that being on my own is not okay, especially when I always make believe that I really am alright, and especially when I'm actually not. I know that to give up for myself and live for other is not right, although it sounds so, but they are the only things left for me to fight for, or sometimes, they are just the only things that I have strength to keep standing for. I know being boring and plain is way not right, but if you were in my shoes, you'll know that there's no use for anything else anymore. I know being faithful is not always good, but that's everything I know, I grew up believing in it, that now I'm living with it, as the matter of fact, I live for it; I live by faith. I've been told by so many people, I know, it is not good, Ayah told me that if I keep playing by that, I'll keep on getting my heart broken, I know, I remember, but damn it there's nothing I can do. I know, too, that my teacher told me that he's no good for me, but that's just not how I look at him, how I've been looking at him, because he's just that only one, no matter what he has done, how broken my heart has got, he took my heart, and I don't want it back, I'll let him keep it forever and he may do whatever he wants with it, because there's nothing left for me anyway, I've got nothing left to lose. Yes, he has hurt me, he left me alone sometimes, but he brought me life years back, he brought laughters, he gave me smiles, he's my childhood, he's the best childhood I could ever get, and do you even know that? No. But I do, and I will never get that off my mind, because they just won't fade. I know that I'm never a good one for him, maybe I'm not the right one too, so I set him free-to choose his own paths, to make his own decisions, to do what's best for him, I know it doesn't sound like a right thing for a girl to ever do, but I want him to be happy, and that's the whole point in love. It's going to hurt, and the pain is there to stay, but if he's happy, it's worth everything, and again, I know that's not right, but that's what's keeping me going. 

Don't relate to myself. I'm so much different, and you don't ever want to know why. But you see, nothing ever matters anymore. If he's going to break my heart once more, hurt me again, or if just anyone wants to do so, it just doesn't matter any longer because my heart is already broken long ago, and you can't break a broken heart, in fact, it has got so numb I can't even feel it anymore, plus, he has taken it away from me, so just whatever he wishes to do with it, it's okay. I know I have to stop saying "it's okay, it's okay" because it's not, but that's really all that I have to say. The point is, it doesn't matter anymore to choose what's right for me, so I live by choosing what Allah says is good and right, now, is that right? But I'm okay, I'm not depressed, not sad, but I'm not that happy also, just alright - neutral. I don't have to be sad, and I'll be happy when it strikes me, but until then, this is who I am, I am okay. I'm never going to be ready for what's ahead, but as long as Allah keeps on protecting the people I love and make them happy, I can make it through it all.