Another final blow.

In the name of Allah, please listen to me, please listen to me now, please hear me, please forgive whatever I've done wrong to deserve your negligence.


For all the wrong things I've done to deserve just whatever punishment You have for me, I beg for forgiveness with my knees, arms, and head on the ground, will You never trust me ever again? Will You lose faith in me forever? Will You never be accepting me back ever again? I gave You my all, I gave you all of me, just to show how true my every word is to You, just to show how much I really wanted your forgiveness, open up for me now, please open up and listen to me again. I wasn't wishing for myself, I haven't been praying for myself anymore now, it's all for them, why wouldn't You listen? Everyone's suffering. Everyone back home. And now, here, and she has got nothing to do with whatever I have done, or just whatever I might have done. Do I have to bring a disaster wherever I go? No, because You said, that none of your creations is ever a disaster to anything or anyone else, so do I, urm do I? 

I thought I'd quit being hopeless ever since I met you, because you made me feel like I am not a person that's just no good to simply everything and everyone. You came when I hardly have faith for friendships anymore, but you did not even have to try to make me believe again, because when you're around, bit by bit and unknowingly I just believe again. You came right after I buried every little hopes to just everything in my life, but you did not even have to try to bring them all back to life for me, because when you said you'll always be there for me, all my hopes have come to life one by one right before me. You came just as I locked myself in loud silence, but you effortlessly made me speak again without a single shot of fear or uselessness, because you gave me someone to talk to. I learnt that I can never give up, because you made me believe that you've got my back in case I stumble, and so I learnt not to let you down. Where is this girl? We have our parts, we have our own flights and pitfalls, only that we don't share the same story. Everyone of us suffers just as much, only at different time, and different plots. I have my story, now here's your story. In my story, you told me to stay strong; in my story, you taught me not to give up because somehow someday everything's going to be alright again. In my story, you told me that God won't give us more than we can handle, so I held on, I just hang on, because if I ever lose grip and fall, I know you'd be there because you made me believe so. Now here's your story. It's your story now, and what makes you think I wouldn't do the same damn thing for you? I've got your back too, is it too impossible to believe so? I won't let you give up, does it sound irrelevant now when I say it? Stay strong, hang on, hold on, won't that work anymore when it comes from me? Whatever happens, I'll be here for you; did I make it sound a little too phony? Well, that explains why He refused to listen to me all this while, but you don't trust me too? If this is your battle, well, I'll fight with you, in fact, I'll fight for you, I'll win for you, just like you would for me. Whatever happens, you've got me, am I that hard to be trusted? Don't give up yet, as the matter of fact, NEVER give up, I've got your back. Even if God has given up on me, you haven't, and you wouldn't, and I know that, so even if God has stopped trusting me, why would you? Why it seemed like you don't trust me? When I said, "Don't give up", why did it seem like you did not trust me? When I said, "You can still fight", why did it seem like you did not trust me? When I said "Trust me", why did it seem like you didn't? Because when you refused to stand up for yourself, it seemed that you don't quite believe that you can trust in me, you don't quite believe that you can trust what I said. In my story, you make everything right again, without even trying to make a tiny effort, but here in your story, I've run out of efforts, I'm running out words, yet I still failed. I know you're tired, I've got exhausted way long ago, but if you could tell me to hang on, why can't I? I know you just want to give up, I've given up way back then, but if you could tell me not to, why can't I? I know you said you'll fight, only not now, I've said that too, but when will you come to know when to start fighting? Because I didn't, I said I would fight later, but you see, time isn't going to tell us when to start, and what we'll do is to forget to stand up and fight, and before we realize it, what we wanted to fight for is not much worthy anymore. And no, I haven't won millions of battles, because I never got through the battle within me, the battle between me and myself, and as long as that remains the fact, how can I even win a single battle. But you know, I won that weeks ago, I won that battle because someone's got my back, someone was there for me - you. Ever since last night, that victory has meant  nothing anymore, because that girl who made me win, is missing somewhere, perhaps underneath or in between her own fears and doubts, and she took THAT meaning along when she left. So just in case you found her, tell her to come back because she's got that precious, big meaning with her, and I need it, tell her to come back.

And tell her she can trust me now.