lifeless.

my heart had just broke for the final time, yea it's the final time because i won't be putting the pieces back together like i used to after each heartbreak because i just couldn't, so it's going to stay broken and shattered like this forever and i couldn't be bothered because i had just lost my faith in fixing my heart back again and again. I don't want to save my heart again. If somebody else wants to save my heart for me, go ahead, give it a god try. 

yesterday i got home. everything was okay. everyone told me everything was okay everytime i called, although i knew and felt that something is just not quite right. Then i found out mama was not feeling okay, in fact she just went through an operation and it was serious and she was admitted into the hospital for a couple of days and then ayah was not so well too and the cafe assistant had resigned and the cafe had been closed for quite some time, so they had been out of income, and everything was going wrong, AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. that's quite a heck of a deal. they were all hiding everything from me, just not to interrupt my studies whatsoever. what the F. damn it. everyone else knew it except me. and i was the one who's the most worried about everything, i was worried-sick, i called and called to get some news, yet was only given fake good news. that was not fair ='( and that had really broke my heart. and it's just broken-broken...fullstop, i'm just going to let it be that way, because im exhausted, im feeling forever helplessly hopeless, im feeling ouh damn it i can't find the right word. and at a time like this, i'd still have to get back to damansara tomorrow, leaving them all behind, ya allah, what's this all about? why are you doing this to me. i can't. i can't. you can't break a broken heart. that's my point in the first place. i let it be broken so that nothing and no one can no longer break it. 

but for the generous people who had helped save mama's life, there's no way i can thank you enough. i would give you my life as a big thank you, if i could, but i still don't think it would be enough. and for the ones who didn't even bother to lend a hand when you could actually do more than saving her life, allah will get back to you soon. how could you be so selfish when all you had belong to The Almighty. don't you know that or have you just forgotten. i'll just have to say that sometimes, someone so rich and smart can just  be the most unfortunate and stupid. i'm not sorry to say that, but i'm going to have to be sorry for you.

Ya allah, i know i don't deserve to get any of my prayers being answered or fulfilled by You, in fact, i never deserve that kind of chance ever. But i'm kneeling and i beg you, as i've only got you to hold on to, to put my hopes and faith on, and it's You i'm returning to, so please, if you can't hear me for everything else, just hear me for just this one, for once, and for all, please, if you just can't listen  to me this one time, you don't have to let me live anymore, i don't have the purpose to go on anymore, it's just empty, so please, listen, and help me, You are the Almighty, only you, only you can do this for me, please let mama get well very soon, as healthy as anyone can ever be, and also ayah, my brothers, my sister, my frens, and muhammad safwan azman, protect all of them, make them happy, and please just love them all so that they can be strong enough to go through everyday with the grace of your blessings. Aamiin. that's all i want, for the rest of my life, if i could only get one wish to be fulfilled, it's just that, nothing else i'd wish for, please listen to my prayer this time, please ya Allah. 

and even if that prayer is fulfilled, my heart would still be this way, only, the pain might just be more bearable. i knew all along that all this while, i was only giving myself fake hopes and fake strengths, they're all just to get me stand still for another day. i knew. because it was what i came up with. but one thing i knew and know was not fake, it's my faith and sincerity. it's my faith in the love i have, and the sincerity in standing still for another day for the people i love, despite the pain. i knew i asked him to cure my heart everytime it's hurt, i knew he said he would, but i also knew that i was only asking him to do that because it was another way of keeping myself motivated and strong enough to carry on, and he said he would because he knew that too. he didn't have to say it, remember, because i'd knew. 

words can never picture how it's hurting me right now, waiting for that one prayer to finally be heard and answered. and nothing can ever picture how it's all broken in here. and how my smile makes it bleed even more inside, but it's that smile that helps me slip through a moment after the other, until Allah answers my prayers. and until that happens, this smile will keep on hurting more and more, and again, being just as fake.

whatever might happen, i already felt like my life has been taken away, since the very moment i got home yesterday.